Dr. Christa’s Old Time Rock ‘n Roll Taxideritorium!

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Old timely shit you guys. I like it. Like a lot. I’m a big fan of vintage clothing/vintage inspired clothing and mixing old things with the contemporary to create something new and probably confusing to anyone who isn’t me. This is part of the reason why I love the steampunk ascetic. Now, I’m not the type to walk around with goggles and a corset but that’s mostly because I can’t wrap my head around wearing glasses or Spanx for more than 30 seconds. What I love is anything that looks like it has some history and a story behind it.

 

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I was planning to wear this outfit out to a taxidermy convention I went to in New York city while visiting my brother. (Yes, that’s a thing.) It was pretty cold that day, so I ended up wearing something else, but I did take a few fun photos in his sweet old timey house.

 

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Porcupine quill earrings from the taxidermy convention because I want all my jewelry to also be weapons.

 

A few weeks later, I ended up wearing this outfit (with slightly warmer pants, cuz November) to a super fun comedy/storytelling show called Maximum Sleaze at the Riot Theatre in Jamaica Plain. It was a sexy sex themed show and everyone was wearing something a little crazy (cue the fake mustaches and denim cutoffs!) so I thought the lingerie aspect of this outfit would be perfect.

 

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I’ve got kind of a crazy mix of pieces in this outfit. I love shopping in Salem because it has the exact mix of weirdness I like. The bracelet is from Emporium 32, an amazing store that makes all its own steam punk jewelry and accessories. I also picked up the sheer shirt thing there. (The designer is a’reve.)

After that I skipped across the street and grabbed the 1920s turban from Modern Millie, an amazing store that carries a ton of vintage/vintage inspired clothing. The broach, which I inherited from my great aunt, I added myself. (Real vintage! I actually have some!) As a side note my brother hates the turban and told me I was culturally appropriating from cancer patients. I appreciate his honesty.

 

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Sometimes I like my outtakes better than my actual photos.

 

The ring is something I inherited from my grandmother (more real vintage!) and the  gramophone necklace is from Buffalo Exchange, a funky consignment shop chain. Now, I’d like to think the necklace is antique, but who am I kidding, it’s so perfect it’s probably from Urban Outfitters. Those weird plether-y legging pants I’m wearing are from Express, because, why not? (I’m not linking Express. You know where it is.)

Now, rather than explore the finer points of taxidermy (that’s a separate article), here’s a sweet photo from the convention of stuff in jars. I also have photos of a live demonstration but….I’ll spare you of that.

It was a really good time, if it something you have a general interest in. When I was a kid my favorite part of the museum was the stuffed animals and I’m German, so I grew up around a lot of antlers.

 

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The event space was really cool, the only real issue I had was everything REALLY smelled of formaldehyde, which kind of put a damper on things. It’s hard to enjoy your cocktail and the sweet honkey tonk band that was playing when everything smells like death.  (And before anyone freaks out, this particular convention was cruelty free, which means all of the animals there died naturally and weren’t shot for sport. SO KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.)

 

I could post a photo of the live demonstration, but instead you get this weird selfie.
I could post a photo of the live demonstration, but instead you get this weird selfie.

The girls who put together the convention were celebrating the release of their book Stuffed Animals, so if you guys are serious or just curious you can find it here.

I wouldn’t recommend buying it on Kindle, you might get guts all over it.

Next up! Less creepy shit and more holiday cheer! I promise!

Halloween as Marie Antionette: An Epic 18th Century Wigventure

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Oh Halloween! How I love you! Everything about it pretty much my favorite. I love horror, costumes, candy, crafting and of course, not being myself. That is pretty much my favorite part. This year I really wanted to bring it since I was having a Halloween party, and oh my friends, it has been brought.

I decided to be Marie Antionette for Halloween. Every year I see about 1,000 Marie Antionette costumes that seem to cost a lot and look like crap. Usually they are about half a costume with a crazy short skirt, which gets points for sexiness but just kind of looks like you are wearing half a dress. I’m all for sexiness and weirdness if it’s done right, but mostly it just looks cheap.

I scoured the internet tirelessly and did a little bit research about Marie Antionette and came up with what you see here. It was super fun but also took a ton of work, research, a couple of makeup tutorials and a bunch of sewing. Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY!

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My initial goal was to go with the cheapest version of the best thing I could find, and just kind of make repairs, which worked pretty well, but oh man did I make repairs.

I got my dress from Victorian Choice. It’s a historical/reenactment clothing store out of Washington state. It might have been a bit pricy for a Halloween costume, but it was roughly as expensive as a ‘premium’ halloween costume from a regular Halloween costume store and looked much better.

Usually, reenactment costumes go for hundreds of dollars (I even saw some Marie Antionette dresses that were in the thousands,) but this stuff stays roughly in the $100-$150 range, which is much more doable. That being said there were a few drawbacks, mainly being that it didn’t fit that well. The fabric itself was good quality, but you really need someone’s specific measurements to get everything to fit correctly.

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I went with a medium dress, but probably should have gotten a small. I ended up moving the buttons over and putting a large dart in the back to make the top smaller. I also moved the bow because it seemed like it was up too high and took out the lace on the neckline. Sure, the lace could have stayed, but this is Halloween and I’ll be damned if I don’t show at least a little bit of skin. I wanted to look like Marie Antoinette, not a nun dressed as Marie Antoinette. I also added the cameo pin to the bow because I had it lying around and cameos were a thing back then.

Now, onto the question I was getting all night. How do you make your dress stay up? The answer? These guys!

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Oh no! You’ve seen my skivvies!

 

They are called panniers and were worn underneath those famous giant Marie Antionette ball gowns. These are kind of a half assed version of the real thing that I bought off of eBay. I bought it off of someone who made historical reenactment costumes. They came late and when I got them they smelled like cigarettes. The fabric of my dress was pretty heavy so they didn’t really hold up the dress that well so I had to stuff them with old throw pillows.

 

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Sorry eBay lady, I ain’t linking you.

In addition to the panniers, I actually wore an old halloween costume with a hoop skirt underneath my dress. The dress itself is deigned to be worn with a floor length hoop skirt, and its super long, so you can’t get away without wearing one. In retrospect, I should have just gone with a full hoop skirt instead of panniers, but I was going for accuracy.

It’s easy to find hoop skirts online pretty cheaply (look at eBay or Amazon) BUT they all come factory direct from China, so you need AT LEAST a month shipping time. You’ve been warned.

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During the French Revolution the upper class loved to powered the crap out of everything, which is why their faces always look so white. For my makeup I bought the lightest foundation I could find and dabbed some white face paint on top of it. I wanted to look pale but not cartoonish. I didn’t do much with my eyes except use a brown eyeliner and a light pink eyeshadow. Then I put on a crapload of creamy blush (Milk Makeup Lip & Cheek in Perk) on and did bright pink lips.

I had the prosthetic scar from an old costume, and I sewed the blue ribbon into it so it looks like my head was stitched back on. I also dabbed it with some fake blood.

There are tons of great makeup tutorials out there for historical and headless person makeup. Here’s one that I found most helpful. It goes through a bunch of makeup history, so it’s a pretty interesting watch.

Now, onto one of my favorite things: WIGS! Again I scoured the internet in attempt to find the perfect wig. Halloween wigs you get in a costume store aren’t usually great quality. Cosplay wigs and wigs from wig stores are usually your best bet and aren’t that much more expensive. I got this baby from Wilshire Wigs in California.

 

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Again, wigs are one of those things that can get incredibly expensive (I saw a few Marie Antionette wigs that cost around $400,) so I bought a mid-priced wig and decorated it myself. The damn thing was huge but the front hair curls were so close together you could barely see my face. I had to cut the thing up and sew it back together to make it fit, but it did work pretty well.

During the French Revolution, hair styles went nothing short of fucking insane. The bigger and taller your hair was the better and it was decorated with all manor of craziness. From birds and butterflies, to bride and groom ornaments, political figures and model ships, people would stick damn near everything in their hair.

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I went the more traditional route and used a bunch of floral stuff, bird Christmas ornaments, hair jewels, pearls and feathers for my wig. I wanted to do more with it but I ran out of time. Fear not! I plan on reusing and redecorating the wig for next year’s Mermaid Parade, (in which I will be Mermaid-Antionette!), so you’ll see it again.

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And there you have it! My costume from start to finish. I had a lot of fun putting it together but there was really a time crunch at the end. There’s some things I would have done differently but over all, I really liked the way it turned out. The party was great (right up until that brownie kicked in) and everyone had a great time (except everyone who ate the brownies.)

A word to the wise though, getting out of this kind of costume is damn near impossible when you’re fucked up.

SPOOOOOOOKY!

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My Best Pleather Pants

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It’s that time of year again! Halloween? No. Autumn? No. The season when you order the one pumpkin spice latte you’ll have all year and then immediately get sneered at by the barista because, ‘How can you get anymore basic, you dumb white girl?’ No! (but also yes!) It is in fact, the time of the year when it becomes relatively comfortable to wear pleather! Hooray! Kinda!

Yes, piggybacking off the only season where wearing a vest seems weather appropriate, the pleather season begins, if anyone calls it that. I’m not a huge fan of the stuff, but I like to bust it out from time to time when I’m doing a show or going to a concert or really want to weird out someone’s parents.

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I love mixing pleather pants with a classy conservative top, because I like the idea of mixing high class with OMG weird punk rock sex party. (And not even a good sex party with leather, like a cheap sex party with plastic on all the couches.) I feel like this is the only way one can accomplish wearing pleather without looking like a complete tool, but hey, I could be wrong.

 

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I wore this outfit to Roast Battle Boston, a roast battle in Boston. What’s a roast battle? It’s a comedy show in which comics write means jokes about each other. Someone wins, and the other one tries not to weep themselves into oblivion.

Sometimes roast battles can be kind of a nightmare if you don’t really know the person or actually don’t like the person. The latter sounds great in theory, but jokes along the lines of ‘You are a garbage human being and I hope you die a painful death,’ are not usually that funny, especially if they are coming your direction.

I roast battled my friend Mike, who I started comedy with, so it was a lot of fun. Also, I WON, which made the night significantly better. Mike did say I looked like Lyle Lovett but the joke’s on him cuz I have no idea who that is and refuse to google it. I have a sneaking suspicion he is very unattractive and was once married to Julia Roberts. But I digress.

I’m completely in love with the shoes I’m wearing. They are cool and old timey looking plus they have a nice heel and are easy to walk in. Definitely a win in my book.

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Shoes fit for THE BEST sepia toned IG filter.

My earrings are one of my favorite pairs. They are made of beetle wings, which yeah is kinda gross but ooooh so awesome. I’d rather be wearing a dead beetle than hanging out with a live one. I got them at Artists and Fleas an incredible art/flea market in in Brooklyn.

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The shirt is from Primark and the pants are from H&M, cuz come you guys, if I was a billionaire, I wouldn’t be wearing pleather in the first place.

That’s all for now! Next up! A very halloweenie Halloween!

Interested in seeing a Roast Battle Boston? Get tix/info here!

I Wear The Black Hat

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At long last! Fall is here and up until recently, it’s been a particularly warm one. I was still feeling a bit beachy, but wanted to embrace the gothiness of fall, which is how this whole outfit happened.

And oh man this hat. This is most certainly a hat. A hat that is most certainly a commitment. I’m not sure if you can tell from the pictures just how gigantic it is, but that’s kind of the point. If you don’t want to be noticed this is not the hat for you. It is also not the hat for you if you happen to walk around in windy places because it will blow off your head, pretty much immediately. That being said, I love the damn thing. I got it in a delightful little store in Martha’s Vineyard that for the life of me I can’t remember the name of. My memory has been blocked by the sheer vastness of this hat.

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At long last! I have the power to block out the sun!

I got the skirt in a Tibetan gift shop, aptly named Tibetan Gift Shop while I was in Chatham, Cape Cod. Everything there is pretty funky and inexpensive, which is the exact opposite of every other store in Chatham. The earrings are from Nomad in Cambridge, MA and the necklace and sandals are from Primark. And yes, the sandals do in fact, have little flamingos all over them. Flamingos were my primary objective during that purchase.

 

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Me, the first time I met my hat. We’ve been in love ever since.

 

Long skirts and giant hats are not my jam when it comes to stuff to wear on stage, so instead I wore this to my friend’s/fellow lady comic Emily Ruskowki’s album recording. She was awesome and hilarious as usual. After the show we all had cake, so really, a win on all counts.

 

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Make sure to keep your eyes open for her album, Nailed It, coming soon to an internet near you! 

Zee Cape!

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Hey you guys! About a month ago I went on vacation. Then I did a comedy festival, was in the middle of a screenwriting class, did a bunch of shows and now, now I have run out of excuses. Summer has certainly happened and I’ve taken a bunch of pictures to prove it. Here’s my adventure on Cape Cod, complete with absolutely no photos of the beach! (Oops!)

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Self-made manicure.

Every year my family rents a house out on Cape Cod and we all invite a few friends to come with us. The Cape is a magical land where I don’t have to do much of anything except eat clam chowder, go to the beach, hang out in Province Town and avoid sharks by avoiding seals. – Shout out to sharks: You guys are great!

I wore this outfit on a trip to Provincetown which is one of my favorite places to find cool stuff. I always end up buying some interesting clothing and accessories when I’m there.

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I always make it a point to stop in Marine Specialties. I’ve been going there since I was a little kid. It was weird old store that smelled like fish and sold old license plates and military surplus and now it’s pretty much the same except there’s more toys and clothing there now and its smells slightly less like fish. My parents hate it and I love it. I love it so much. I might be crazy but I just don’t care. It’s awesome.

I also always hit up Toko, a fantastic, reasonably priced accessories store where I’ve gotten quite a few of my favorite pieces.

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Camouflage! Kind of!

P-Town also has lots of fun street art everywhere…and yeah it’s pretty weird, but like, the awesomist kind of weird.

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I don’t get it but I appreciate the spirit of shitting on some government person, which is what I think this is about.

Also something about shark week. Great whites seem to love the Cape so now there’s this big shark statue in P-Town that you can take a picture of yourself with. I had to kick 10 children and 47 European vacationers to get a photo with this thing alone. Worth it? Naw. I didn’t kick nearly enough children. (Note: No actual children were kicked during the making of this blog post…I just wanted to.)

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During my time at on the Cape we also hit up Keltic Kitchen in Yarmouth. (Cape Cod loves incorrectly using the letter ‘k’ in every since instance they possibly…KAN! HA! I DID IT!) Anyway, it’s pretty much the greatest  breakfast place in the universe, so, with out your consent I bring you: PICTURES OF FOOD!

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LEMON! RICOTTA! BLUEBERRY! PANCAKES!

Ok just one picture, but seriously it’s great. Lots of amazing takes on pancakes and french toast, full Irish breakfast PLUS they make their own bread. Hell yeah.

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Wheeee!

I should probably talk about my outfit now. I’m not gonna lie to you guys, I got this thing at Wet Seal. Am I 16? No. Do I care? No, I can buy alcohol legally now, this is much better. I’m a big fan of crop tops, matching separates and what has been described to me as “boob cage” shirts, and this has all of those things.

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I got the little lemon purse from Primark, which is adorable and beaded and everything ever I’ve wanted in a purse except the for fact that I can barely fit anything in it. This is a purse for someone with a car or a significant other wearing cargo pants. And man, if you are in the cargo pants category…maybe its time to rethink some things.

The pink nail polish I’m wearing is from Essie in Watermelon. The green nail polish is from the Gap in Mint. I got the little nail embellishments from Primark.

And with that, the summer is gone! On to the season of pumpkin spice!

 

Pineapples, Vermont and my thoughts about becoming an expatriate

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Words you guys, and pictures. Man, there are so many words and pictures I’m avoiding putting together right now, I don’t even know what to do. This seems like the easiest combo of words and pictures I need to get finished, so here we are.

I went to Burlington, Vermont for a comedy show this weekend, with my partner in crime/comedy person Phoebe Angle. Oh boy, do I love Burlington. Its like a magical wonderland filled with people who mostly agree with me and also lots of dairy products, beer and greenery. It was pretty amazing.

 

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I dare you to find a more picturesque porch! I DARE YOU!

 

Phoebe’s aunt was nice enough to let us stay with her in her awesome log cabin a half hour outside of Burlington. It was wedged between a bobcat preserve and a bunch of farmland. It’s totally the type I’ve place I’d love to live someday, if I could ever pull my shit together, which I won’t.

I also found it slightly terrifying because it was so remote. I watch too many shitty horror movies. I’m well aware that it’s far more likely for me to be killed in a random mugging in the city than by a monster/ghost/serial killer in the middle of nowhere but that’s not going to make me stop being terrified when the only thing I can hear is crickets and silence and not constant construction, traffic and people yelling at each other for no reason. I might not thrive on chaos but I certainly am used to it.

 

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I probably should have taken my photo in front of this mural, but I didn’t. We all have our regrets.

 

During the day we traipsed around Burlington. Mostly, this consisted of buying cheese, drinking, finding random stores filled with crystals and going to a fancy tapas place that replaced the silverware so many times in between courses that I think we used more than I actually own. It was awesome.

 

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Sweet Jesus, everything in this place is adorable.

 

As such, I have officially named Burlington, “One of the places I would retire to if I ever wanted to completely cut myself off from anyone who as ever disagreed with me and also Walmart.”

Other places on this list are Ithaca, NY, which is basically Burlington with a gorge and Monteverde Costa Rica, which is on top of a mountain in the middle of the rainforest, complete with several coffee plantations. Some days I feel like I’m roughly 2.5 national tragedies/comedy festival rejections away from becoming an expatriate, so DON’T FUCKING PUSH ME. Also please book me.

 

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…..AAAAnyway I should probably talk about fashion now. I got this dress in a weird little dress/surf shop in Provincetown in Cape Cod, MA. It’s by Ocean Drive Clothing Co. The beaded necklace was another piece of jewelry that my mom used to wear in the ’70s. The earrings are by Amano Studio. The ring was a souvenir my parents gave me when they visited the Dominican Republic. The jean jacket is from the consignment shop chain, Buffalo Exchange in Davis Square. The purse is by Guess but I’m not gonna lie to you guys, I bought it from Marshalls. Also, in the great Vermont tradition of comfortable footwear, the shoes are from BOC. It’s a great brand that makes cute shoes that you can actually walk in without looking like you’re wearing something from your Grandma’s closet.

I don’t really talk about make up much but in case your wondering, since it’s absurdly bright, I’m wearing a liquid lipstick from Revlon called Ultra HD Matte Lipcolor in HD Spark. I LOVE how pigmented it is, but unfortunately, it’s not one of those ‘all day wear’ type liquid lipsticks, so you have to reapply a bit more than I’d like. It looks great though, just keep in mind, if you’re eating or drinking, it’s pretty much going to end up everywhere. You’ve been warned.

 

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The show itself was a ton of fun. It was at a bar/crepe place/venue, because that’s a thing in Vermont. A delightful thing. There were a ton of super cool Vermont comics there and everyone had a grand old time.

 

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Wooo comedy!

 

It also bears mentioning that there were murals damn near everywhere in Burlington, including in a long hallway filled with rainforest sounds on the way to the bathroom of the venue… which is how this happened.

 

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It’s right behind me, isn’t it?

 

After that we headed back home, immediately got a flat tire, got the flat tire fixed and drove back to Boston. And when I say drove I mean mostly Phoebe drove because I am the worst.

And just for the hell of it, here’s a clip from a set a did in the same dress from a show I did with PYPO Network. Cheers!

 

Disco-riffic: The Jumpsuit Saga

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You know what I have an irrational love for? Jumpsuits. The glorious combination of not quite pants and not quite a dress, the jumpsuit is great for a party, provided that you never, ever, under any circumstances have to use the bathroom.

I went to a beer festival recently and saw several stylish young ladies wearing these. Look, I’m a big fan of good style, but really? You are going to an event where the entire point is to drink as much as you can (or ‘enjoy the taste’, I guess), the only available bathrooms are porter potties and you have to literally strip naked in order to get a jumpsuit off? ARE YOU INSANE?

 

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In the event that I don’t chop off my shoes in a photo, I make it a point to chop off my elbows.

 

So yeah, jumpsuits aren’t particularly practical, but as long as you’re not in a sketchy bathroom situation its not that big of a deal….except when you safety pin your bra to your jumpsuit so it doesn’t stick out, which is exactly what I did without thinking about it.

This jumpsuit happens to be completely backless, which looks cool in theory but in general is a giant pain in the ass. Unless you’re an A cup not wearing a bra isn’t really an option and wearing one anyway just looks weird. The only other option is a variety of contraptions, née, medieval torture devices that may or may not actually work.

 

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THE HORROR

I used a backless bra extender, which is pretty much the best you can do. It’s also very cheap (the one I got was around $10), so at least you’re not buying a $60 bra you are only going to wear once a year. That being said, it’s not particularly comfortable because you have to wear a weird bra strap that goes around your waist.

 

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Like the tamest bondage ever. (via thebraguide.com)

It works relatively well, but if you have something really low backed like I did, you still need to pin it in place or it’ll ride up. This works fine if you’re using it for a dress or shirt, but in a jumpsuit, you are essentially trapped.

Long story short, I wore this to a show but didn’t stick around afterwards to hang out because I REALLY had to pee.

 

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Also, as much as I love jumpsuits, they do nothing for your ass.

 

And after all that, you can still kind of see it peaking out a bit. Your other bra option is one of those sticky bras which don’t work at all if you are on the larger side and only sometimes work if you are on the medium-small side.

I’ve worn a sticky bra a couple of times. The first time it worked just fine but it was a cold day and you can’t sweat, like at all. The second time I wore it, it was warm and after being outside for about 5 minutes the thing fell off pretty much immediately. Since most backless stuff is summer clothing anyway, it boggles my mind that these things even exist. Anyway, that was a really weird baby shower.

Another backless option is to straight up tape your boobs in place using medical or gaffers tape. I haven’t tried this but as weird as it is, it seems like it might work best, provided you don’t take anyone home that isn’t into bondage. I’d go for medial tape, just cuz it’s actually designed to be on your body, but neither seems particularly comfortable. If you’re interested in trying it, you can find some quick tips at the braguide.com.

 

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Ok, enough boob talk. I got this jumpsuit once again, from the clearance rack at Urban Outfitters. I defiantly wouldn’t pay full price for something that requires this much work, but at a steep discount, it’s totally worth it. I got the pendant from a neat little vintage gift shop in Albany, NY. It’s one of my favorite pieces. The earrings are yet again from So Good Jewelry, which unfortunately, just went out of business in Downtown Crossing. Where will I find 50¢ costume jewelry now? Alas!

Anyway, that’s all for now! Tune in next time where I will talk much less about boobs! (probably)

Tattooed like a Sailor (aka another mermaid post but at least this dress is wearable)

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Hey, have you guys noticed a theme lately? Nope? Me neither. Don’t worry this is the last mermaid related post for awhile…until I feel like posting one again. I can’t help it. I just grew up loving mythological stuff and aside from the fact that I have to pay rent/have a job/feel mostly dead inside, the part of me that likes mermaids has stuck around. Also this particular dress has the added bonus of looking like some really beautiful tattoo flash, a thing I’ve loved since I was a teenager and realized I could swear.

So, what you can get from this post is that I haven’t changed much since I was 6 and 14 respectively, only instead of being bratty/angry at nothing specific, I’m jaded/angry about lots of specifics, most of which I have absolutely no control over. Then I bitch about it on stage and feel like I’m doing something. I live a charmed life.

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I digress. I randomly discovered this dress from a specialty clothing place on Instagram. When I realized it was from a brick and mortar store (formally just called ‘stores’) in another state, I found the designer and went strait to the source/internet. This baby is from Sourpuss Clothing. They are a great brand that has a lot of punk/vintagesque/pinup/tattoo inspired stuff, which is right up my alley. I’ve known about them forever, but somehow this is my first dress from them.

 

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Wooo naked ladies!

I got the sugar skull earrings from Nomad in Cambridge, MA, one of my favorite stores ever. They have lots of nifty Central/South American jewelry, fair trade clothing, stuff made from alpaca wool and random art, homegoods and nicknacks.

The flower hair clip is from a little accessories store in Provincetown, MA and the bracelet is from the clearance section at Michael’s.

I’ve worn this dress on a couple of shows and I’m a big fan. I have an aversion to long dresses on stage. This fits the bill of being short, but not too short, is actually comfortable and has a nice pop while not being too weird.

I don’t have an shot of myself wearing the dress onstage BUT I wore it to my most recent Broad Appeal show and took a bunch pictures of other comics. So…you can see photos I took of other people while I was wearing the dress, which you are not going to see. Think of it like a first person shooter game except no one gets murdered or called a variety of slurs by an 11 year old boy. You are experiencing the dress from my lens. Yes. This makes sense.

I think.

Anyway here’s some photos.

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Headliner Alison Klemp from NYC!
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Pam Ross!
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Kenice Mobley! An empty chair!

…also there were a bunch of other comics there and they were all great. Sorry boys on the show, none of you are fabulous enough to make it on my blog…not like you’d want to.

That’s all for now! Tune in next time when I will most likely be wearing something I wore to a BBQ, before it gets covered in ketchup and beer.

Cheers!
Christa

 

 

Something’s Fishy: The Cony Island Mermaid Parade!

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The Cony Island Mermaid Parade. It was pretty much invented for me. Ok, it had nothing to do with me but it combines all the things I like into one thing: making stuff, wearing ridiculous costumes, performing, being covered in sparkles & of course, mermaids. Yes, I am a child, an no, I don’t care and also shut up.

The parade happens every year in Cony Island, Brooklyn. It’s a crazy bohemian art parade in celebration of ‘Fuck it. Let’s have a parade.’  (AKA a celebration of art and culture and rituals of the seaside, according to the website.) Everyone wears insanely elaborate mermaid/nautical themed costumes they make themselves, pasties and body paint abounds and we all just have a grand old time marching around Cony Island.

I liked the parade so much I wrote a separate piece about it for UnSceneComedy.com detailing the experience itself. For fashion blog purposes, I’m just going over how I put together my costume.

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Now, right off the bat, I’d like to point out that I am not a costume designer, and many of the people at the parade actually are, so while I think I did a great job for my first try, what I did was not even close to the coolness you’ll actually see there. I didn’t want to do anything too crazy because I didn’t really know what to expect, so I just went as a traditional mermaid if that mermaid was perhaps, going to Coachella.

 

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For the top, I bought a nude strapless bra from Primark. This particular bra had the added bonus of having a clear plastic back strap, which is damn near impossible to find but works great if you don’t want anyone to see you just bought a cheap bra and covered it up with a bunch of shit you bought at the floral department at Micheal’s, which is exactly what I did.

 

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Julius helped keep me in check by making sure I wasn’t making progress too quickly.

 

Since I figured everyone would be wearing shells, I decided to go for a bunch of stuff that looked like coral and seaweed. I had to cut everything down to fit the bra and hot glued/sewed everything on to it. I might have gotten away with just using hot glue, but I wanted to reinforce everything so that it would get through a full day of marching.

On the sides of the bra, I sewed on some big iridescent sequins overlapping each other to resemble fish scales. After that I added some strings of peals of a couple of different sizes and added whatever that metal star embellishment thing is to the middle. I have no idea what it’s actually used for. I bought for 50¢ in a vintage store and its not really a pendant or bead or tie tack. It took a billion years but I finally found a use for it.

 

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I made the flower crown out of an old headband and some more floral stuff. I started out with hot glue, but ended using tacky glue for the part with the flowers on it because the gold stuff was in danger of melting. I was able to pop the backs of the flowers into the gold coral stuff pretty easily.

Now, for the love of God, someone invite me to a music festival because I desperately want to wear this again.

 

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Behold! The beautiful Cony Island Parking lot! Also my bro.

 

I can sew (kind of) but sewing anything spandex is a giant pain in the ass, so I opted to buy my mermaid skirt. There are a bunch of different places that sell them on Etsy and they come in a rainbow of colors. I got my skirt in particular from Coquetry Clothing. Everything they do is made to order, has custom sizing, is made well and came quickly. I’d highly recommend them for any of your mermaid tail needs.

 

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The fun face gems I’m wearing are a combination of gems I got at Primark and crystals I got at a craft store. Some of these had adhesive on them, but if that isn’t the case, the best way to get this stuff to stick is by using eyelash glue. I’m also wearing teal clip in hair extensions. They are okay but not amazing. They don’t look super realistic but they worked for my purposes. I probably should have worn two sets.

I think next time I’d go for a regular wig, but these extensions got the job done and they we’re only around $5. You can buy these them on Amazon but be prepared to wait about a month for them. They came factory direct from China.

I also threw a few random fishtail and regular braids in my hair, wove a few sea shells into them and put in an extra string of pearls.

I used roughly 5 different colors for my eyeshadow and just kind of went with it. It still didn’t turn out as bright as I wanted it to. I just used stuff I had lying around but in the future it would be best to use either highly pigmented eyeshadow, like something from Melt Cosmetics or straight up costume makeup.

 

Dear Instagam user @rosaliezack: Thanks for the sweet photo, I promise you I am making absolutely no money off of this.
Dear Instagram user @rosaliezack: Thanks for the sweet photo, I promise you I am making absolutely no money off of this.

 

I had a great time putting together the costume and even more fun at the parade. Also, somehow, miraculously I did not get sunburned. My foundation has sunscreen in it, I wore regular sunscreen over everywhere else and I carried around a parasol, as one does. It’s a lot of time in the sun so be prepared. In fact, to close things out here are…

A Few Tips

  • Go big or go home! The costume you’re wearing has to be seen from afar so the crazier, brighter and bolder the better. I think I spent too much time on small details and not enough on overall pop, which is really what sets people apart.
  • Wear comfortable shoes. Seriously, marching or no, you’ll be doing a lot of walking and no one’s looking at your feet anyway. They are looking at your tits.
  • Prepare to be photographed. Seriously, the place is absolutely MOBBED with photographers of all skill levels and all degrees of creepiness. If you’re uncomfortable with it, don’t go.
  • You have to be cool with a lot of (mostly) naked people. Think body paint and pasties. You know, equal opportunity, artsy nudity but nothing too extreme. If you’re uncomfortable with it, this probably isn’t the place for you.
  • Wear sunscreen. I know its annoying but so is looking like a lobster the day AFTER the parade.
  • Get there early. The parade starts at 1pm but people get there much earlier, especially if they are marching and haven’t preregistered.

 

Interested in seeing more crazy pics from the parade? Go here or check out the Mermaid Parade’s Facebook page!

Tiki-tastic!

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Summer is here! Finally! I’m a big fan of tiki and Hawaiian pieces but they look a little ridiculous in the middle of winter, so I’m super stoked to bust them out after all this time. I wore this dress out for a night of margaritas with my manfriend. I suppose a pina coladas would have been more appropriate but umm have you every tried to drink more than one of them without getting brain freeze all night long? I dare say, you have not.

Anyway, I never really wear long dresses to perform, because, I dunno, it feels weird? Either way, I love this outfit so I figured it was worth documenting since occasionally I make it a point to act like a normal person. (As close as I can get to that anyway. )

 

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I got the dress from one of my favorite online reatilor’s, Plasticland. They have a lot of fun punky, gothy, vintage inspired and pinup type stuff. I also bought some dishtowels there. And this funky octopus pillow. And this vest with an octupus man on it. And then I had to unsubscribe from their email list because I kept buying stuff. You’ve been warned.

I got the flower clip from a little jewelry/accessories store in Provincetown, MA. The earrings are another bargain bin find from SoGood Jewelry, which unfortunately has closed. Boooo! The little pearly bracelet is from Lou Lou in Downtown Crossing and the teal green bracelet is from Micheal’s. Yes, the craft store. They have jewelry there for some reason and every and once and awhile it goes on crazy sale…probably because no one goes to Micheal’s for jewelry.

 

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This dress has a bunch of holes in it…in a good way.

 

I decided to have some fun with my nails because I found little desert nail stickers. I pretty much had to. These were only $1.50 from Primark. Primark stores are only in Boston right now, but you can buy nail stickers all over the place. I’ve gotten them at a bunch of drug stores and you can even find them at TJ Maxx sometimes.

 

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Application is pretty easy. Just paint your nails whatever color you want, wait for them to dry, (seriously, I kinda jumped the gun a bit on mine) and seal with a top coat. Then wish for an actual cupcake, because a nail cupcake is a pale shadow of what you actually want. Then put on some chocolate flavored lipgloss and pretend it doesn’t bother you. (It does.)

 

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I don’t particularly care if it doesn’t really match my outfit. It was worth it.

That’s all for now, but summer’s just beginning, so they’ll be much more Tiki inspired stuff where that came from! Also, we can still say Tiki, right? Is Tiki racist? It seems racist. Are you mad? I hope you’re not mad. Please don’t hate me.

ANYWAY! SUMMER! WOO!….also…

My lady-focused comedy show, Broad Appeal is BACK June 15th with headliner Alison Klemp!

Arts at the Armory in Somerville, MA.
7:30pm
$5 suggested donation

Get tix here:

Eventbrite - Broad Appeal Comedy Night