Disco-riffic: The Jumpsuit Saga

You know what I have an irrational love for? Jumpsuits. The glorious combination of not quite pants and not quite a dress, the jumpsuit is great for a party, provided that you never, ever, under any circumstances have to use the bathroom.

I went to a beer festival recently and saw several stylish young ladies wearing these. Look, I’m a big fan of good style, but really? You are going to an event where the entire point is to drink as much as you can (or ‘enjoy the taste’, I guess), the only available bathrooms are porter potties and you have to literally strip naked in order to get a jumpsuit off? ARE YOU INSANE?

 

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In the event that I don’t chop off my shoes in a photo, I make it a point to chop off my elbows.

 

So yeah, jumpsuits aren’t particularly practical, but as long as you’re not in a sketchy bathroom situation its not that big of a deal….except when you safety pin your bra to your jumpsuit so it doesn’t stick out, which is exactly what I did without thinking about it.

This jumpsuit happens to be completely backless, which looks cool in theory but in general is a giant pain in the ass. Unless you’re an A cup not wearing a bra isn’t really an option and wearing one anyway just looks weird. The only other option is a variety of contraptions, née, medieval torture devices that may or may not actually work.

 

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THE HORROR

I used a backless bra extender, which is pretty much the best you can do. It’s also very cheap (the one I got was around $10), so at least you’re not buying a $60 bra you are only going to wear once a year. That being said, it’s not particularly comfortable because you have to wear a weird bra strap that goes around your waist.

 

(via thebraguide.com)
Like the tamest bondage ever. (via thebraguide.com)

It works relatively well, but if you have something really low backed like I did, you still need to pin it in place or it’ll ride up. This works fine if you’re using it for a dress or shirt, but in a jumpsuit, you are essentially trapped.

Long story short, I wore this to a show but didn’t stick around afterwards to hang out because I REALLY had to pee.

 

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Also, as much as I love jumpsuits, they do nothing for your ass.

 

And after all that, you can still kind of see it peaking out a bit. Your other bra option is one of those sticky bras which don’t work at all if you are on the larger side and only sometimes work if you are on the medium-small side.

I’ve worn a sticky bra a couple of times. The first time it worked just fine but it was a cold day and you can’t sweat, like at all. The second time I wore it, it was warm and after being outside for about 5 minutes the thing fell off pretty much immediately. Since most backless stuff is summer clothing anyway, it boggles my mind that these things even exist. Anyway, that was a really weird baby shower.

Another backless option is to straight up tape your boobs in place using medical or gaffers tape. I haven’t tried this but as weird as it is, it seems like it might work best, provided you don’t take anyone home that isn’t into bondage. I’d go for medial tape, just cuz it’s actually designed to be on your body, but neither seems particularly comfortable. If you’re interested in trying it, you can find some quick tips at the braguide.com.

 

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Ok, enough boob talk. I got this jumpsuit once again, from the clearance rack at Urban Outfitters. I defiantly wouldn’t pay full price for something that requires this much work, but at a steep discount, it’s totally worth it. I got the pendant from a neat little vintage gift shop in Albany, NY. It’s one of my favorite pieces. The earrings are yet again from So Good Jewelry, which unfortunately, just went out of business in Downtown Crossing. Where will I find 50¢ costume jewelry now? Alas!

Anyway, that’s all for now! Tune in next time where I will talk much less about boobs! (probably)